Monday, June 13, 2011

Summer of Nerd 2011: The Lamest Movie Preview Ever

   They are a threatened species, constantly under abuse, ridicule, rejection, and persecution. Their only sense of safety comes when they remain in groups; security is accompanied by those like them. Unlike most other mammals, they are perhaps least active during the summer months, as opposed to the winter. They are rarely seen in the wild, and their habitat (in the worst of cases) is envisioned as dark, smelly, and dirty. But good luck trying to see one of their enclosures yourself, for this particular species can be considered quite territorial when others set foot on its turf.
   Indeed, the natural enigma that is the “nerd” has puzzled many an adolescent for quite some time. Nerds vary in degree, to those who might boot up an Xbox from time to time, to the pizza box-stacking, Mountain Dew-guzzling variety who tend to shrink away from the sun itself. Luckily, the individuals usually confined to dark, enclosed spaces now have every reason to get out of the house. Why? Because it is summer, my sleep-deprived friend, and for the next three months, the local movie theater is going to evolve into a haven where even the most socially-inept among us can feel right at home.
   It is the Summer of the Nerd, and all the “cool” people better put on those knock-off sunglasses of theirs, because the nerds among us are going to feel right at home.

X-Men: First Class-A nice, healthy warm-up
   What’s better than a movie about one superhero? A movie about fifteen superheroes! The X-Men franchise is looking to get a reboot out of this new prequel, and it should serve well to reboot a few human beings back into the social scene too. Fans of the series will eat up the sheer amount of mutant-info, but even those unfamiliar with the X-Men universe should enjoy the action. It should at least be worth your ticket price.
   Nerd-o-meter: 7/10
   Release: June 3

Super 8-The summer’s most enticing mystery
   J.J. Abrams could not even stay away. The acclaimed sci-fi writer/director is back with his latest project, and when you add Steven Spielberg to the mix you have a film that could attract some serious nerdage. Abrams has kept Super 8 on serious lockdown, so much so that it was rumored that anyone who divulged any information on the movie would be terminated (as in fired, not . . . you know, the other thing . . . just trying to keep my audience in mind, alright?). Whether it’s about an alien or a monster or something else entirely, this one will draw audiences on sheer intrigue alone. Get excited, because this might just be a movie you could take a girl to without feeling like too big of a dork.
   Nerd-o-meter: 6/10
   Release: June 10

The Green Lantern-Cue cult-following emergence
   If you know who the Green Lantern is, congratulations. Unfortunately, one of the coolest superheroes out there is probably one of the most lesser-known. This particular movie follows the Hal Jordan “version” of the superhero, and everyone knows that’s a smart move, as Hal Jordan is the first human to wear the power ring. What’s that? You did not know that? Well, non-fans of Green Lantern might want to use caution with this one, because the whole premise of this movie screams nerd. Hal is a pretty cool superhero, but it takes a lot of guts to admit you know what he is all about. That girl you might take to Super 8? She can sit this one out. Unless she likes Ryan Reynolds (well, maybe that is even more of a reason not to bring her).
   Nerd-o-meter: 9/10
   Release: June 17

Transformers: Dark of the Moon-The movie you don’t want to see but know you will
   When the first Transformers film came out, nerds went to it because they wanted to see a bunch of robots beat the wiring out of each other. When the second movie came out, nerds went to it because they wanted to see Megan Fox. No one is really sure why they are going to see this movie, they just know they are going. If the second movie is any indication, we are looking at another two and a half hours of mindless explosions held together with the thinnest plot possible. Robots escaping other robots come to Earth, and the other robots find them and want to get rid of them, and we all pay the damage costs. We all may know the story, but the nerd knows that behind this is some good ol’ Transformers lore. Everyone else might want to stand back.
   Nerd-o-meter: 7/10
   Release: June 29

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II-It makes us all nerds
   Oh yeah, I am there already. You are there already too. Does that make us both nerds? Of course it does. Does anyone care? No. Not if you are seeing this movie. It is Harry freaking Potter for the last freaking time and all the haters can stand back because the nerd in all of us is taking over. Get. Pumped.
   Nerd-o-meter: 8/10
                Showing up in full costume: 10/10
   Release: July 15 (also known as the Best Day Ever)

Captain America: The First Avenger-This is why you love America
   This is probably the most promising superhero movie of the summer. Unlike the Green Lantern, who might find it difficult to pick up fans outside of Azeroth (if you understood that joke, you are pathetic. Also, zing!), Captain America is a hero who will attract audiences from across the social spectrum. The film looks promising already, with plenty of hidden Marvel “Easter eggs” to go with its mass appeal. What that means, men, is that there are actually worse movies to ask that girl to see with you (You feel that? That’s called hope, enjoy it). At its heart it might be a nerdy movie, but Captain America is looking to be a pretty dang good one. Drop those sunglasses for a second, because you will want to keep this one in your line of sight.
   Nerd-o-meter: 7/10
   Release: July 22

Cowboys & Aliens-The name speaks for itself
   Do I really need to give an explanation? It is a movie based on a comic book about a bunch of cowboys fighting a bunch of aliens. That is about all there is to that story, but that is all anyone, especially a good-hearted nerd, needs. The phrase “popcorn action movie” definitely applies to this one, and the result could be some very good fun or some very stupid moviemaking. If it acknowledges its own ridiculous nature, this could be decent movie, but if not, it could get really obnoxious really fast. For now, put it on potential sleeper alert.
   Nerd-o-meter: 8/10
   Release: July 29

Rise of the Planet of the Apes-The title-writer was obviously fired
   To be fair, this does not have to be a nerdy movie. You could just be a fan of the original Planet of the Apes, and are hoping that James Franco and Co. can do the 1968 version justice. However, upon further investigation into this movie’s plot, it might be hard to sit through it without feeling somewhat dorky. A movie about some genetically-enhanced primates taking revenge on the humans who experimented on them sounds like some good, clean, nerdy fun to me. The effects will be spectacular, but it might be hard to look past the ridiculous storyline. Nerds should rejoice, but others should use caution.
   Nerd-o-meter: 9/10
   Release: August 5

Conan the Barbarian-The grand finale
   Every self-respecting nerd has heard the fantastical tale of Conan the barbarian. He has been in movies, video games, and even comic books. Everything you can possibly imagine has somehow had a Conan-esque take. This movie looks to revive the classic hero and forge his legend into something epic. You want mythical monsters? It has those. You want oversized weapons? It has those. You want girls that you want to say are hot but are afraid to because they might not be human? It has those. You want one man using those oversized weapons to kill those mythical monsters and save those hot women? Conan will do all of that. The Summer of Nerd concludes with a movie that ought to make any nerd hit their knees in awe. You want paradise? Consider it found.
   Nerd-o-meter: 10/10
   Release: August 19

   You feel that? That’s your inner nerd, waking from its deep slumber. It is tired of being locked up. It wants out. It wants to go out and sate its hunger for nerdy things. And you are going to head right on over to the movies and you are going to satisfy it to its little heart’s content with things that you might reject on the outside, but love on the inside. You better get going, because you have a lot of work to do.
   Just put some sunscreen on before you go out, ok?

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