Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Official NDP Parking Lot Survival Guide

   At Notre Dame, freshmen are lucky. Seriously, when compared to Horizon High School’s “Freshman Rodeo” (use your imagination) and Desert Mountain High School’s “Freshmen Friday”, NDP frosh are practically floating in and out of school on little clouds.
   What these freshmen do not realize is that their clouds are dark, ominous, and sure to bring doom upon anyone unfortunate enough to be caught in their path. These clouds are the freshmen parents, also known as the Horsemen of the Apocalypse as far as the NDP parking lot is concerned. Perhaps the NDP parking lot has always been a place of despair and destruction, but the common opinion among students is that this is largely in part of the all-too-green frosh folks.
   Well, nobody is perfect. So for frosh, their parents, and upperclassmen too, here is the NDP Parking Lot Survival Guide. It just might save your life.

Tips for freshman parents:
1.       Be Patient—your kid is going to be there in time. I promise. I know the first year is tough. You want to make a good impression, and you want to look assertive and aggressive in front of those teachers out there directing traffic. There ain’t no messin’ with me. I already own this place. My kid is going to roll over your kid, so you think you can cut me off, Mr. Cadillac? Think again.
   We need none of this. Worry about safety before your kid’s image. They have four years to work on that.
2.      Listen to the Traffic Directors—they are out there for a reason. Worried your son or daughter will scuff up their uniform in those ten extra steps onto campus? Put your mind at ease, for Dennis Uniforms are known for durability in these exact situations. So why not go ahead and pull all the way through like these ladies and gentlemen are telling you? It sure beats extending the line (that is already out to Bell Road) even further by trying to save your kid the walk. It builds character.
3.      Cut the chit-chat—it makes a long process longer. You have been waiting in line for 10 minutes. Whatever you wanted to say to your child could have been said then. Also, they know that you love them. If you want to tell them anyway, shoot them a text. Be honest with yourself, your kid is going to check their phone sometime during the day. The point is: we can try for a little more efficiency.
4.      Do not park—ever. Efficiency, folks. Think about it. Plus, you take someone’s spot (yes, we are assigned those things). This messes up the natural order of things, which makes everyone angry and brings the universe down to a path filled with chaos and turmoil. It will be on you. Want all that weight on your shoulders? Did not think so.
5.      Carpool—please. The less there is for you to worry about, the less there is for us to worry about. Make some friends. Make some schedules. Bang these things out. Please. Please.

Tips for freshman students:
1.       Be ready, for the love of Christ—because sometimes it is not your folks holding you back, alright? Is the ten extra minutes of sleep really worth it to have the necessity for an article like this? And none of this “throw your stuff in the back” business either. Put it on your lap so you can blast out of that car like the little rocket ships I know you can be.
2.      Help your parents—we know that they can hold things up sometimes with that coffee refill or the good ol’ “missing keys” charade. Instead of standing at the door like a knucklehead, try to keep things moving at a lively clip and drag your folks out of the house. Trust me, they do not want to drive you to school just as much as you wish they did not have to drive you. Everyone is in the same boat, so help bail some water.

Tips for everyone else:
1.       Arrive early—the madness begins at about 7:20. Anyone caught out after then is sure to meet a terrible fate. Do not be one of these unfortunate souls, for your own sake.
2.      Come up from Thompson Peak, not Bell—less cars = less excitement = less stress = a happier you (sound like an infomercial yet?). Coming up from Thompson Peak and then hanging a left into your designated lot saves a ton of time as opposed to waiting in the line of shame. Those people are the ones who wanted this guide the most. Take a moment of silence for their actions of bravery. Thank you.
3.      Buddy up with the security guards—they will help you. Nothing makes you feel more like a boss than a man in uniform blocking traffic so you alone can go where you need to go. It is a beautiful thing.
4.      Watch out for Vinnie—the man is omnipresent. If you try to cheat the system, he will somehow know about it, and he will (firmly) explain to you what exactly you did wrong so you will (absolutely) never do it again. Basically, do not try to beat the system. With Mr. Marchese at the helm, it cannot be beat (that is not a challenge; to try is to fail).
5.      Screw it, just freaking walk to school.

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