Thursday, January 26, 2012

A Mouthful of Fun--The Human Centipede Dev Diary

   I really do not like horror movies. Not at all. Famous flicks like Silence of the Lambs or The Exorcist will see me holding up a pillow every now and then, but going to the theater just for the heck of being scared is not for me.
   So in thinking about strategies employed by those who hate horror movies like myself (conveniently positioning your knee between your eyes and the screen, checking your phone when you know no one is there, or just flat out sprinting to the bathroom), I decided that it would be enjoyable for all of you to essentially join me for a night of sheer terror. To be fair: you pick the flick.
   Why I conceived this idea and went through with it, I still do not really know.
   When I saw Mr. Jake Anderson (whom I did not know and now do not really care to know) throw The Human Centipede up into the nominees, I knew I was screwed. I was regretting this thing already. And the movie was on Netflix too. Unbelievable. I had no excuses, and since I do not want to be a skimp to all of my wonderful readers, I had to follow through.
   If you are unfamiliar with a Dev Diary, the following is a minute-by-minute commentary of my viewing of The Human Centipede. If you really want, you can follow along with the actual movie, but I suppose it is more fun to observe the suffering of others from a position of power, so the choice is yours.
   Thanks everybody, and enjoy.
   Except you, Jake Anderson. May you share the fate of the characters to follow. But not really, that would suck. Maybe just a slap on the—that is it. If you see Jake Anderson, smack him for me. Because I still do not know who the hell he is.

Full spoilers to follow.

11:38—I wonder why I am starting a horror movie at 11:38.
            Never mind, my sister orders me to plug the computer in. Killing the suspense here.

11:43—It takes me 5 minutes to find the stupid power cord in the dark. This is my life.

11:44—My girlfriend, who I had just gotten off the phone with, has fallen asleep and can no longer keep me company. She is so supportive. Looks like we are flying solo folks. Let’s do this.

11:45—Opening credits roll, nice looking highway.
            I see that Tom Six is responsible for this film. Has that man ever made any positive contribution to the world?

11:46—Close up shot of a pleasant-looking fellow in a Mercedes on the side of the road. Just kidding he looks like a freaking creep. He is looking at pictures of a couple of Rotts strung together—I guess it could be worse. He could have made a kitten centipede. I will let you think about that image while we continue.

11:47—An RV pulls up behind him and some fatty hustles out to go take a crap in the bushes along the road. Normal. The creepy fellow follows him and points a gun at him.
            Cut to title screen. Bum bum bum.

11:48—We get our first look at the two women who I assume will join the centipede fun. Girl number one is super ugly. So is girl number two. I think about how at least they did not make a centipede out of hot chicks . . . then I remember that my girlfriend just fell asleep . . . I will not be bringing this up again.

11:50—Our two heroines are lost—go freaking figure.
            Tires slashed! Who woulda thunk! They have a Volkswagon, so much for German engineering.

11:52—They do not have a phone signal! So far we have hit a solid four horror clichés, and I never watch these things. Solid pick, guys.
            They get back in the car. Someone is going to pop up in the window, I know it I know it I know it.

11:53—Some Spanish man drives by and thinks he has seen our two gals in a “horny video” he has at home . . . too bad, it really seemed like he could help them. I still am trying to figure out why this scene was important to the rest of the movie.

11:54—Spanish dude has not moved—why has he not moved?! Oh wait, there he goes. Good, now that weirdo in the Mercedes can show up and kidnap them!
            I think the more cheerful I keep my tone of voice the better I will feel. I think.

11:55—He does not show, but that is okay, because the two girls decide to ditch the car and head straight into the woods. Wow. Clearly they were not in the Girl Scouts. At least they brought a flashlight.

11:56—They see a house! They go check it out, because really, what could go wrong? The chances of it being home to a sicko who sews people together mouth-to-rear are like one in a million, right? Right?!

11:58—Creepo answers the door (rats!). Clearly luck is not on the side of the two ugly chicks. Our villian’s voice is quite charming. He sounds like a Russian chain-smoker. Maybe he will die from lung cancer and the human centipede can get away. Fingers crossed for subliminal anti-smoking messages.

11:59—Meanwhile, in my home, it is quiet . . . too quiet. Why did I ever agree to do this? I should have freaking saw this coming like a mile away! I thought you guys would pick something like The Ring or The Grudge but hey no let’s ju—is that a picture of conjoined babies on his wall? Good God.

12:01—He drugged their drinks! Did not see that coming!
            Are you guys picking up on all of this sarcasm? I hope so.

12:02—They sip their water. Way to go.

12:03—He is going to his basement! Gah! There is a person down there under sedation! He has a needle! Gah!
            You guys should hear lots of sound effects as we go through this.

12:06—Both girls are out. Cut to the next day.
            Creepo is enjoying a fruit cocktail for breakfast. He barely ate any of it! What a waste, he used the big can too, the one that serves like fifteen people and you only buy it for parties. I do not like him. Well, I did not like him before, but I mean now he is just a toolbag on top of a being a creep.

12:09—The guy from the RV earlier was just killed, so that kind of sucks.

12:10—Anyone notice how well-kept the bad guy’s yard is? He digs a neat grave too. As in a tidy grave, not a cool grave. Because it was not a cool grave.
            By the way, if you were worried that the centipede was not going to make the trifecta now that one piece was missing, then never fear, because Creepo found a neat little Asian substitute.
            Hey, his ethnicity contributes to the image. I think if I went anywhere except Notre Dame I would not have published that line.

12:13—The creep introduces himself to everybody and begins giving the rundown of what he is doing. Looks like he knows his field pretty well. Good thing I am taking notes.
            I missed his name, but I do not care because I like giving him nicknames. He is a doctor. Do they call him Doctor Love? Probably not. We will think of something, though.
12:15—So we have some lip-anus sewing action. Some knee-cutting stuff. Some skin grafts. Yeah, seems like he really did his research. All bases covered. You know how it is.
            I found this disgusting, by the way. In case that was not obvious.

12:17—Doc sedates Ja(ke Anderson)panese guy, and our frontman finally shuts up because seriously he just kept yelling and yelling.
            Girl number two escaped! She is running! This does not please me, because she opened the door for one of those classic pop-out moments. I like how I have to look at the keyboard when I type so I do not have to look at the television. The sound provides plenty of fun, however.

12:19—She shuts herself up in his bedroom. He pounds on the door but then he stops and now she goes to check. What a stupid—never mind she picked up a lamp to defend herself. Practical.

12:20—Ok, so the guy with the PhD and a gun decides to break a window with the butt of the rifle rather than shooting out the glass. But he does have nice shades, I will give him that.
12:23--He chases her into his indoor pool (he must have done some fine work in Germany), where he decides that since she ran she has the honor of being the middle piece. Collect your prize at the door sucker!
            The unfortunate lack of catchphrases in this movie only grew more and more disappointing. I start putting in my own.

12:25—He leaves her under the pool tarp, and she decides it would be a bright idea to go be a hero and save the other two pieces. What a gal.

12:27—Since I know Dr. Doom here is going to pop up at any moment during this little escape plan, I decide to go grab a drink of water from the kitchen. Do not worry though, I can still see the action from there.

12:28—Nevermind, I am fascinated with how many different methods of dragging Girl #2 is trying on Girl #1.

12:29—Doc shot her with his sedation rifle. In his shades. In the rain. Like a boss. A boss of evil. Straight up.
            Catch phrase: “Looks like I can say I killed two birds with one stone.” Schwing.
            Surgery time! Woooooooohoooooooooo!!!!

12:30—You pull those teeth, Doc. Is that the best you—Oh God those are skin grafts on the behind! Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God! Seriously guys what the hell? Agh!
            I realize I am watching the Unrated Director’s Cut. Yeah, see we do not skimp here.

12:32—The Doc enjoys a glass of Scotch before the grand opening. Just a class act, you know?

12:33—Oh this is it guys! This is it!
            A Human Centipede (guys I think I finally understand the title!). Doc is checking out the bandages. Yeah would not want to mess anything up at this stage in the game, amiright?
            Just thought of a terrific tagline for this movie: “This summer: Pull your head . . . out of your ass.” (cash register opens)

12:34—Ja(ke Anderson)panese guy has a Playboy tattoo on his arm. These must be the Frank Sinatras of cinema.
            The centipede stood up! Photo op!

12:35—I think it is finally time for that water. Hold on. He is showing them exactly how they are connected in a mirror. Nice gesture. Ok, I am going.

12:38—As I get up, my Xbox Live disconnects. The movie stops. It picks up where it left off when you reconnect. Unbelievable. Guess I am already here in the kitchen, might as well have that water.

12:40—It reloads without a hitch. I was hoping it would not. You guys must feel pretty good about yourselves by now, huh?
            He is training his centipede now to bring him the newspaper. Ja(ke Anderson)panese man, who is the head by the way, does not think this is a good activity.

12:42—Meal time! The front guy is hungry, and he gives his two friends behind him a dirty “what’re you gonna do?” look before digging in. What a jerkface.
            He bit the doctor! Good boy! Oh but he was kicked in the face, that sucks.
            Catchphrase: “Japanese proverb: never bite the hand that feeds you.” (shoots finger gun)

12:44—Oh no he is going to poop! Oh no! I want water! But I have to see it! This is what you guys—oh man! Oh this is not cool you guys! Oh! Oh man!
            Cut—they are back in the cage they sleep in at night. I wipe the sweat from my brow. Seriously.

12:46—Man, there is only about a half hour of movie le—Oh seriously? Do we really need a butt shot of the Doc swimming? Really Tom Six? Really?

12:47—The camera lingers on the last girl a bit, and she is not looking too good. Sucks to be her.
            Ooh, the centipede tried to run while he was in the pool. He beats them with a cane. Reminds me of the shoe I received when I was a kid. Or the belt. But I digress.

12:49—The centipede gets a check-up, and the last one has some weird pus coming out of her skin grafts. Lovely.
            The phone rings! It is the cops! What do you know!
            Doc puts away all his weird photos and his lab coat and goes to the door. Two cops are there! Woohoo! I bet you they both die. I hope Doc is wearing shades when he kills them. Just saying.

12:53—Doc goes to get the guys water. You folks ever have déjà vu?

12:55—The cops get suspicious (duh) and Doc loses his temper (duh) and demands they finish their drinks (duh) when one cop karate-chops the bejeezus out of Doc’s hands (what a move!), knocking the water to the floor. I am impressed. Best scene so far. You should have seen this guy’s form.

12:58—Doc apologizes and goes to check on his pet. He says he will kidnap the cops and replace the last girl with the two from the po-po. How resourceful and intuitive. When he leaves Ja(ke Anderson)panese guy tries to reach the scalpel. Cut! Suspense!

1:00—Doc dropped the needle he was using, and the cops see it. In my head I think “I bet he says it is insulin.” In the movie “It’s insulin. I have diabetes.” WOAH. I should be a creep. Maybe saying that makes me a creep.

1:03—The centipede stabs the Doc in a clutch move! They are trying to run! Go go go!

1:04—So the Doc recovers and follows the escaping centipede, but he stops along the way to lick up some blood that dripped onto the floor. So unnecessary.

8:55—Time warp! No but what really happened is that my mother decided to wake up and walk down the hallway, and when she saw me burning the midnight oil, she told me to go to bed now. Scariest part of the night. So this is the next morning, and I am finishing this thing in the office on the computer. The rest of my family is in here, but they think I am doing scholarship searching, so if I keep a straight face we should be alright for these last couple of minutes.
            We are going in for the final round.

8:58—The centipede cannot open the door! Oh no! Ja(ke Anderson)panese guy is trying to break it with that lamp the other girl used! Probably a poor choice of purchase for the Doc. It did not even have an energy-efficient bulb.
            I think I really missed the point of this movie.

9:00—The Doc looks like he has them cornered, but Ja(ke Anderson)panese Man has other plans, it seems.
            The sound is even worse in headphones. The grunting of the two rear pieces has that much more clarity. Wonderful.

9:02—Ja(ke Anderson)panese guy is giving a speech, but it kind of ruins the moment when no one can understand him. Then he kills himself. This was probably really random to everyone else in the room.

9:03—The cops are back! The doc is doing a little army-crawl action back to his pool. The little Rugrat.

9:04—After ringing the doorbell fifty times, the cops finally agree that something is fishy, so they teleport their way into the house. Literally, you do not hear a door open. Quality film-making from Mr. Six.

9:06—One cop sees the basement with all of the hospital beds, and this is what he has to say: “Well God damn it.” Meanwhile the other cop is busy puking. Clearly they are the Starsky and Hutch of their unit.

9:07—Somehow, the Doc kills one cop without the use of his legs, and subsequently grabs a hold of his gun. The other cop arrives, and he is shot twice before pulling off a very CoD-esque last stand move and shooting everyone’s favorite medical practitioner in the head before he falls into the pool. Still no catch phrase. What the heck.
            Some things he could have said: “A flat line . . . for a flatline.
“Consider your condition . . . critical.
“Shouldn’t have taken those weekend hours.”
“Think you had man’s best friend? [cocks gun] Well I had man’s best friend right here.
Leave more as a comment. This was fun.

9:09—Back to the centipede. After a little bit of hand-holding feel-goody stuff, the girl in the rear dies, leaving one of our friends stuck in the middle. You ever find yourself between a rock and a hard place? HA HA! Oh, too soon?

9:11—Credits roll as she cries. Suck it up, babe.
            Was that insensitive? Writing it made me feel better.

   There you are then. The Human Centipede all the way through. I hope you guys are happy, because I probably had a good hour and a half of tossing and turning before I went to sleep after this one. It was Doc that did it. The guy was in my head.
   Also, I went on urbandictionary to see if I could coin the term “Jake Anderson”, but I guess they have rules about that kind of thing.
   But seriously, no hard feelings. Kind of.

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