Welcome to the According to Dazz Awards, 2012
edition. These are not the Senior Bests. These are not for the newspaper
(although I might be receiving some heat from them for putting so much work
into this, but we have one day of school left, come on). These are the honors
and commendations chosen by the humble committee of one: me. So like it or not,
these are what they are. Some are good, and some are . . . less good, but the
point is that all of these are very well-deserved. The awards this year had two
categories: sports and school, and the goal was to find something that recognized
someone from each walk of life at NDP. True, most of the winners are seniors,
but I like to think these awards have prestige, and you have to work your way
to the top around here. So enjoy the first ever According to Dazz Awards. It is
time to give credit where credit is due.
Sports
Most Intense—Maura
Kelley
I
think that pretty much sums it up.
Best Smack-talk—Michael
Truty
First name: Money. Last name: Money.
There is a 50/50 shot that in receiving his award, he
will tell me that I am absolutely correct in honoring him and that he is,
indeed, the best. However, he knows that already, and thus does not need a
reminder of his own greatness. He returns the award. I am stunned.
The good thing about the Money Money brand of
smack-talk is that he can back it up with his skill as a player. This is like
being zinged by Kobe Bryant before you start a game of one-on-one. There is no
response. You were just zinged by Kobe and you cannot do anything but accept it.
After all, it’s Kobe Freaking Bryant.
Best Underdog
Moment—Avery Korth’s 4th quarter 3-pointer
It meant nothing, but it meant everything. In the
context of the game, Korth’s miraculous trey was a small blot on the statsheet,
but in the context of the season, it was unbelievable. Avery did not start, and
his playtime was limited to the moments when the Saints were winning by quite a
lot. Despite this, he remained a fan-favorite, and when his downtown bomb went
drain-o right in front of the Dog Pound, the stands erupted. It was the closest
Notre Dame has ever come to storming the court, and to this day, the shot
reminds sports-goers that the underdog moment is always within reach, no matter
how long it takes to be put onto the court (Korth’s memoirs and the
sure-to-follow film are still pending).
Tom
Archer obviously believed. Did you?
Best Fans—Goon Squad
When hoops season rolled around, Brooks Brennan saw a
need. He saw a need for a Notre Dame crowd that had more muscle and more
impact. He threw the rules of the Dog Pound out the window and he and his
buddies created the Goon Squad, the most rebellious group of fans to ever hit
the stands of NDP. Their trash-talk became so legit that they demanded
tightened security within the gym on gamenights. Their cheers and jeers were so
effective that opposing guards never hit a three from their corner all season. The best kind of fans
indisputably help their team win, and the Goon Squad does just that. You wish
Andrew Turner had some better lines here or there (After the tenth time,
“You’re adopted” lost its effectiveness. It lost its humor after the first
time), but do not worry, he will be commended later on.
Best Game—NDP over
Desert Mountain (football, Jordan Gherke recipient)
Only one game could have possibly won this award, and
that is the game that changed our school into one that sees people go to games
and support the teams and fill the stand week after week after week. Finally.
Even without the aftershocks, what you have here
remains one of the most riveting games our school has ever been a part of. A
comeback win. A huge upset. The beginning of a huge run that would culminate in
the defeat of the third-ranked team in the state. The magic began here, and
this night is one that many of are not likely to forget very soon.
Also, Jack York fell during his celebration. Love
that guy.
The “Holy S***
Award”—Brandon Senior
The guy just does not look fast, but last year he
exploded and all we could do is wonder what was going on with the world. Two
years ago, if we that someone in the Class of 2012 would run track at UPenn, I
am not sure that any of us would have guessed Senior. He is an absolute freak
athlete, placing top three in the state in both the 200m and the 300m hurdles
last year. This award is partially-named for his crazy speed, crazy soccer
skills, and crazy hops, and partially because you would never guess the person
with all of that craziness. Ask him about his front flip too. The one straight
off the ground. You read that right.
Best Nickname—Tess
“Nuclear Warfare” McPhearson
Creativity Factor: 10/10
Credibility Factor: 10/10
Intimidation factor: 10/10
Credit goes to Josh Eggler for conception of the
best nickname of the year. This one is brought to you by Powder Puff football.
As an aside, the two closest runners-up were Paige “Against the Machine”
Lindgren and Coach Terry “Derr Bear” Derry. Fingers crossed that he does not
read this article.
Best Teammate—Hannah Trepte
This is one of those cornball awards, but from my
experience with Hannah on the track team, she is one of those teammates who
will keep up the attitude and make you do the same. She is crazy friendly, I
bet she even learned the name of every freaking freshmen who joined the team
this year (I just gave them nicknames). That is the kind of person who deserves
an award like this, and that is the kind of person who should be a Team Captain
when next year rolls around (hint hint, Derr Bear).
The Freak Freshman Award—Julia
Taffuri
This is girl is nuts. Period. Watch her run sometime,
and dare to tell me that there is any other person who should take her place as
this winner. She already has the best 400m time on the girls’ track team, and
her cross-country feats put her on the top-tier of that team too. There are
three whole years to go. Great things are coming her way. I promise.
Also, why is this family so perfect?
School
Most Loyal According to
Dazz Readers—Caroline Atsaves and Damon Motamedi
There are two people on campus who have approached me
more often with feedback and comments about this blog than anyone else, and
they are Caroline and Damon. The former has thrown story ideas in my direction
from time to time, and the latter may have even unintentionally inspired these
awards—a while ago, he jokingly told me that he should receive a commendation
for his readership. But both have been avid readers since this blog’s
conception way back in summer school, and according to both of them, neither of
them have missed a single post. It means quite a lot to the staff (of one) here
at According to Dazz, so for their support, I want to give a small something
back. Thanks, you guys.
Most Quotable—Andrew
Turner
“Hey guys, does club soda have
alcohol in it?”
I rest my case.
Best Would-be Couple—Brooks Brennan and
Kylee Bankofier
Kara Tapia and Caleb Badder
Brandon Senior and Hannah Trepte
God, screw it. Nobody wins. Everyone I had nominated
ended up ruining the whole thing for everyone and getting together for real.
Hope you guys are happy. Christ.
Best Lift Home—Ben Bass
I will give you five reasons.
1. He drives stick like a
boss.
2. He listens to Spanish
music. That means music in Spanish. For real.
3. He has one mix album for
each year of top hits, spanning from the 1960s all the way to 1978. That is one
CD for each year in that time period. 18 songs on each. This all adds up to a
whole lot of awesome.
4. You are guaranteed to
learn at least five new words throughout the drive, simply by listening to the
man talk.
5. Whenever the Star Wars
orchestrated theme comes on (it is on the 1974 album), he rolls down all of his
windows and turns it up full blast. You exit that vehicle feeling better than
you have all day. I guarantee it.
Best Troll—John Micah
Hayworth
Protest if you want, but we can all agree that
there is no one at NDP better at a good old-fashioned trolling than John Micah.
These are the awards for “the people who don’t get no respect” after all, and
some recognition needs to be given to the man who could not have been nicer
about hating on everybody.
The Fashionista
Award—Lia Briehl
Duh.
Best Dress Code Violation—Bobby
Knowlton
His shorts sag so low
you wonder if they are pants. No one knows what his knees look like, but
everyone knows what his underwear looks like. Whoever this Dennis is who put
together the uniform is turning in his grave right now.
Seriously though, he must have had to cut a new notch
in his belt to make those shorts stay up when the waistline is somewhere toward
the middle of his thighs.
Future Crime Lord—Vincent
Regina
Do you know this guy? If you do not, you better find
out, and you better make sure you have been really
nice to him over these four years, or one day you are going to wake up with a
horse head in your bed. Just you wait.
The Mother Hen Award—Noelle Francois
She will call you “hon.” She will call you “dear.”
She will call you “sweetie.” Noelle is one of those people who would just go
around giving everyone hugs all day if that was possible. Someone should find
her one of those “Free Hugs” shirts. There is something here . . . or maybe I
took a joke too far. Probably the latter. Definitely the latter.
Best Dressed—Flynn Stewart
This one was tough. There was a race between Mr.
Stewart here and three others for a while, but Flynn pulls out ahead for one
reason: the glasses. My other finalists had zero eyewear, and Flynn manages to
incorporate them into a style that is unlike any other: his own.
Well played,
sir.
The Koboyashi Award—Jack York
The first person who read this told me that they did
know what a “Koboyashi” was. Unbelievable. Koboyashi is a person. Google him,
and tell me this is not well-deserved.
The Attitude Award—Paige Lindgren
Miss Lindgren has never had a bad day in her life. It
seems like every day she shows up happy and smiling and loud and all anyone
else can do is sit back and watch her wind herself up before she goes flying
around. There are morning people and non-morning people, and then there are
life people. Paige is a life person. Say hey to her sometime, because she will
certainly say hello back.
Biggest Kiss-Ass—Zach Swanger
I thought for a while
about calling this the Suck-Up Award or Brownnoser of the Year, but at the end
of the day, we are on our last week of school and it is time to be real. Zach
has put on more charm with the staff of Notre Dame than the rest of us put
together, and to his credit, it has propelled him to where he is today. There
is an art to being smooth with adults, and Mr. Swanger has mastered his craft.
Whether you are for his style or against it, credit where credit is due. Plus,
I cannot wait to see his face when I give him the award. Priceless.
Best Flow Award—Hector Majul
I do not know the kid. I do not talk to the kid. I
can tell you nothing about the kid except for this: his hair has mad flow. The
caught-in-a-windstorm look is one that is attempted by many, but only few pull
it off. With Hector, both the magnitude and volume of the flow itself push him
above the competition, and he earns the award for the Best Disguised Bowl-Cut
at NDP. Congrats, man. Nice to meet you too.
Did
some major creeping to find this. Good first impression on my part.
Biggest Badass Award—Taylor Clarkin
She climbs mountains for the sheer sake of climbing a
mountain. And that is not the same thing that you and your friends did when you
“climbed” Camelback Mountain and took some hands-on-the-hips pictures at the
top. This is bonafide g-status climbing with ropes and pulleys and
hanging-by-the-hands suspense. She has a little thing called a World
Championship in all of this too. Do you feel like a wuss now after your “Oh my
God not even kidding it was, like, life or death” experience on Camelback? Yeah?
Good.
Thug
life.
The California Dreamin’ Award—Jack Ittel
He looks like a surfer, he talks like a surfer, and
he dresses like a surfer. I would go so far as to say that, yes, he probably
surfs. Even if I am wrong on that last bit, I guarantee you that if he headed
out to the beach this summer and gave it a shot, he would be a natural. After
all, everyone knows that if you have those first three qualities, you will
automatically be a terrific surfer. Jack has always had the look of a beach
boy, and it is about time he had something to show for it. Just heads up with
the sand, bro. It is course, and rough, and it gets everywhere (reference
alert).
The Tommy the Turtle Award—Kate Mailliard
This award goes to the individual who, while they may
have a small outer shell to crack, what you find under the surface is so
awesome that you wonder why they might be on the shy side in the first place.
Kate is one of these people. She is witty, interesting, and incredibly genuine.
If you have not introduced yourself to this girl, then crack the shell, because
it sure is worth it.
The Snooze Button Award—Todd Hunsaker
It takes some skill to show up late for class every
single day and still pull out the grades that this man does. If it were anyone
else we would be at another school by now, because I swear each morning I look
up at 8:00 in A Period and I see this guy roll in, hand Ms. Leins his late
pass, take a seat, talk the entire period, and pull out an A. What the hell.
Best Sunglasses—Kelsie Sanborn
She coordinates her shades with her shoes. Enough
said.
Also, it is important to note that she has the swag
to back it up. Sunglasses make a statement declaring that you know you are
cool, and as a result of you being too cool, you have to rock the shades to
protect yourself from those who might cramp your style. Kelsie has plenty of
style, plenty of skill, and plenty of that afore-mentioned swagger. It is all
unquestioned, and it is all deserved.
Best Mohawk—Cameron
Berns
Some members of the baseball team had alright
mohawks. Some of them did that weird mountain range thing in the middle of
their heads, and that is okay. Then some people yanked out the shears. Cameron
was one of these people, and he went to so much of an extreme that he was
forced to walk around school with a wig on until he had the rest of his hair
cut. You talk about dedication? That is dedication. Give that man a nod the
next time you see him. He deserves the living hell out of it.
Public Enemy #1—Kyle Mitchell
For the record,
According to Dazz does not condone rebellion against the rules outlined in the
handbook. However, this blog does condone excellence, and Mr. Mitchell is
really, really excellent at breaking the rules. That is why he receives
arguably the most prestigious award of the year, because he has the ability to
do what the rest of us might wish we could do, and he does not care one bit.
Mad props, Kyle. On the Notre Dame campus, you have officially become Public
Enemy #1. For a day and a half, but still.
Best Park Job—David
Ferrara
This is one of those moments
when I write something and think, “Will I regret this?”
Nah.
