Sunday, November 20, 2011

A Bloody Good Time: Things to do While Your Girlfriend is at Breaking Dawn

   There is a dangerous plague on the nation’s girlfriends. There is no point in beating around the bush, it is called Twilight, and if you know someone who is infected, well pray the Lord helps you. It sucks. With a weekend behind us, it might already be too late for some, but with the long Thanksgiving break looming, there is still a chance for some to be saved.
   Some guys will be dragged to the movie, and for the sake of this article we are considering them fallen heroes (a petition is already active for a memorial). The alternative however, is being stood up by your girl while she runs off to a private fantasy full of bed-crushing vampires and abs that you really, really wish were fake. This is life, and life is not fair. But if you want to turn your lonely night into something that might not be so bad after all, maybe these suggestions will help. And because there are certainly girls out there who are being stood up by their friends, we at According to Dazz have a list for you gals as well (after we overcome the shock of the phenomenon that you dislike Twilight and remain single).

Things for guys to do when their girlfriends go to Breaking Dawn:

1.       Throw a book-burning party.
Perfection. Not only do you and a bunch of your bro-skis have the chance to let out a bunch of pent-up emotion through fire (win), but you also have a more-than-ideal way to stay warm as these winter months arrive. Sweet, sweet perfection.

2.      Play Skyrim.
Do not act like you did not see this coming. She could go to fifteen-freaking-million Twilight movies and you would be satisfied for the duration of all of them. Money in the bank. Call the rest of your abandoned nerd friends and voice chat together while you are at it. You managed to score a girlfriend, now go score some Shouts (if you understood that, you are a champ). She has her fantasy, and you have yours. What a wonderful world.

3.      Watch movies featuring ugly people.
You will feel better about yourself. The movie might suck, but your self-esteem is more important.

4.      Blow something up.
Legally, of course. I would still call you a badass, do not worry.

5.      Crash the movie with your friends, and have a contest to see who can get kicked out the fastest.
If Notre Dame asks, I did not write this article. Someone is posing as me; I am not condoning this activity.

6.      Make fun of the guys who had to go.
Hey, at least you beat somebody. You were too nice to voice your objections to that girl you are dating, so counteract this by asking your buddy if his girlfriend is squealing louder for Robert Pattinson or Taylor Lautner.

Things for girls to do when their friends go to Breaking Dawn:

1.       Cry about it.
Maybe you really did want to go. Our condolences. But not really.

2.      Revel in your own spectacular self.
If you do not fall into the category above, then you are one-of-a-kind. If you have someone to love, be absolutely content that you are the greatest thing that ever happened to them. If you do not, than all you have to do is advertise what you did not do this weekend, and wait by the phone.

3.      Have a Thanksgiving leftover Iron Chef.
How much elaboration do you need? So much win in that.

4.      Throw a Harry Potter party.
Everyone will come. I know that I am there already. The ultimate act of defiance, and guess who wins? That is right. You do. Could a guy do this activity as well? Sure he could, but all of you ladies out there need the chance for some glory of your own, and through a totally kick-ass wizarding party, you will earn that glory. Who needs vampire-loving friends when you have Harry Potter and a bunch of other people who just became even better friends? It might just change your life.

   The girls (and the guys they drag with them) who go see Breaking Dawn in these next couple weeks can go have their fun, but we should just let them know that the rest of us will be having even more fun doing things that are actually cool (zing). But hey, if looking at sprayed-on abs is your thing, more power to you. Just try not to drool on yourself, because I am sure you have already soaked enough of your clothing considering this is the fourth movie (double zing). By the way, you can consider us out the next time you go see a movie that features a llama playing a werewolf and a vampire that looks like he walked out of an oil painting (is that three zings?).
   Wish you were Bella and could become a vampire (see, did not even care enough to put in a spoiler alert)? All I have to say to you is this: with these suggestions, it sucks to suck.

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