Monday, April 29, 2013

Dazz's Nerdfest Handbook 2013: A Summer Movie Mega-Guide--Part II

Woah woah woah—where’s part one of the Nerdfest Handbook?! Right here, sheesh.

World War Z: Brad Pitt deals with a bunch of people falling all over themselves just to touch him—just like his everyday life.
   If you were wondering where you were going to find your obligatory jump-to-the-helicoptor-and-grab-it-by-the-edge-because-god-forbid-it-wait-two-more-seconds scene, this movie looks like it has about five of those, so it should fill your quota for the whole summer. It also has Brad Pitt fighting massive waves of zombies while taking care of his massive waves of hair. Seems pretty straight-forward, really.
   Nerd-o-meter: 7/10
   Release: June 21

Despicable Me 2—Because this.
   Definitely feels like the writers know why people liked the first one—because of those strung-out yellow guys! They were awesome! Now, they are all over the sequel, and it might actually be worth seeing. At the very least, if you take a girl to this one, she will be happy. Girls like the little yellow guys. I promise.
   Nerd-o-meter: 5/10 (technically, it is still about supervillains)
   Release: July 3

The Lone Ranger—Oh wow, Johnny Depp covered in paint and doing that weird “Am I drunk or am I high right now?” schtick again.
   Have you noticed that Depp has been headlining this movie when he is not even the main character? Armie Hammer is the Lone Ranger, and Depp is his sidekick Tonto, yet, Depp appears to be taking the lead in the trailers, posters, and the billing order. The style of this one looks slick, but they seem to be straying far, far away from the original series (which might be good, because it was . . . well, racist) in terms of the dynamics between the Ranger and Tonto. Armie is being shafted though.
   Nerd-o-meter: 6/10
   Release: July 3

Grown-ups 2: You guys pumped or what?!
   Just kidding. No one cares.
   Nerd-o-meter: irrelevant
   Release: HA.

Pacific Rim: Not going to lie, when I saw the trailer I was really pumped because I thought it was going to be a new Godzilla movie . . . use that knowledge how you will.
   Giant robot-mechs vs. giant aliens/monsters/the Loch Ness monster/Godzilla—that is basically what you have here, with a little bit of Idris Elba for the diversity factor and some Charlie Day for comic relief. Remember when Battleship released, and people thought, “Wow that looks terrible, they had to use Rihanna? How low can one stoop?” This is essentially the same thing, only they ran out of aliens to use and robots to use so the writers thought, “Screw it, if we just make everything bigger, they cannot ding us for that, right?” I would rather listen to Rihanna than see this movie, and I hate Rihanna. I do not even think she is hot anymore (fell off the Power Rankings long ago). A Godzilla movie would have been better, and the title of this one sucks too! Pacific Rim?! I feel like I am turning on the Discovery Channel—ridiculous.
   Nerd-o-meter: 8/10
   Release: July 12

Only God Forgives: Guys, watch this. Or this. This is another option.
  I know, that was all the same link. Just wanted to make sure no one was throwing me the finger and ignoring my hyperlinks here. I work hard on those. Anyway, that is aside the point, the point here is: how freaking awesome was that?! Ryan Gosling being a BAMF, some guy being stabbed with chopsticks, a one-on-one martial arts fight scene, tuxedos, katanas, and that music. Wow.
   Some background: the director here is the same guy who did 2011’s Drive (my number-five movie of all time, and yeah I have rankings that I may or may not update weekly, shut up), and this seems to be in that vein of slick-throwback meets super-violence. Do I think it is the same? No. I think Gosling is going to be worked more, and I see a lot more expansion in terms of characterization (the driver, after all, was really more of a symbol than a fleshed-out character). This could be the cult hit of the year, and if you go to theaters looking for something different than the usual popcorn-action, than this is your flick. This is Dazz’s top pick this summer. Sign me up.
   Nerd-o-meter: 3/10 (by no means is it nerdy, just not for everyone)
   Release: July 19

The Wolverine: Basically a filler-flick to carry us until this hunk of awesome hits theaters.
   The first Wolverine movie sucked. It would have been fine, but then they took one of the best superheroes ever (Deadpool), ruined his backstory, took away his ability to talk (one of the highlights of the Deadpool comics was his constant chatter with the reader), and then *spoiler* just up and killed him off. I wanted more Ryan Reynolds cutting bullets in half, but no—Hugh Jackman wanted the franchise for himself. If you have seen the trailer for this one, then you know zero additional knowledge. It told you nothing. I can be excited over Wolverine, but so far this marketing has been crap. Cross your fingers, folks.
   Nerd-o-meter: 9/10
   Release: July 26

300: Rise of an Empire: You know when you start writing, and at first you are really going strong, and then you just sort of hit that wall? Just hit it. Man oh man, this is a long one. Two-parters are ill-advised, friends.
   The first one was badass with a lot of badass people doing a lot of badass things and occasionally there would be this touch of random nudity like, “Oh, hey, I do not think we have done enough to earn us an R-rating yet, so here is a nipple” or something.
   I cannot do this right now. That high I had from Only God Forgives has worn off considerably. Let me take five.
   Nerd-o-meter: 7/10 (it’s a lot of fighting and babe-ness, what more do you want, dude?)
   Release: August 2

Elysium: Guys! Matt Damon is bald! Look!
   Ok, so recover from that for a second, but check it out. Earth sucks and is now essentially a slum for the world’s poor and disadvantaged, and above is some space-station where all of the rich live. They have everything up there from total peace to a cure for cancer. Basically Matt Damon is going to shoot some stuff and reunite Earth and bring to the poor what is now only reserved for the rich. It is by the guy who did District 9, and oh man it looks sick. It is totally one of those more intelligent sci-fi flicks, but it looks pretty dope-on-a-rope (is that a thing? Nope, not even a little bit).
   Nerd-o-meter: 9/10 (once you see the trailer you have a better sense of what we are dealing with here, but man it looks awesome!)
   Release: August 9

Kick-ass 2: It has a villain called the Mother F***er—just a prelude to this bit.
   The first Kick-ass was pretty solid. It was really stylized and gloriously irreverent and Nicholas Cage *spoiler alert* was lit on fire—a lot was going for it. This one is a direct sequel, complete with Jim Carrey as Captain Stars and Stripes. Personally, this one is about Chloe Grace Moretz—back as Hit Girl—and how she will probably keep being responsible for the most brutal kills of the movie. This one seems bound to follow the first one as a cult hit, and seeing as how at this point your only way into this franchise is through the comic books, the original movie, or the entire Nic Cage anthology, it is going to be an absolute nerd-fest.
   Nerd-o-meter: 9/10
   Release: August 16

The World’s End: The apocalypse but British.
   Remember how awesome Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz were? The correct answer was that, oh yeah, those were really darn awesome. Or, if you want to quote the latter, they were “F***ing off the chain!” The World’s End is the final flick in the Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy written by lead actors Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright, and man, if the first two are any indication, it is going to be a rousing good time. About a group of friends who attempt to do a pub crawl during the apocalypse—sounds like something blog-worthy. Check and mate.
   Nerd-o-meter: 5/10 (obscure, but awesome—see the other ones if you have a chance)
   Release: August 23

   Wow, what a time since Summer of Nerd back in 2011—look at that lineup! This is one of the nerdiest summers ever, and darn it if the movie-lover in me is not on pins and needles in anticipation. Great books-to-movies, comics-to-movies, franchise-enders and franchise-starters. This is going to be one to remember, so have that inner nerd of yours hitch up their pants, slap on the sunscreen, and push up their glasses—they are going to want to head on out to see these.

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