Woah woah woah—where’s
part one of the Nerdfest Handbook?! Right
here, sheesh.
World
War Z: Brad Pitt deals with a bunch of people falling all over themselves just
to touch him—just like his everyday life.
If you were wondering where you
were going to find your obligatory jump-to-the-helicoptor-and-grab-it-by-the-edge-because-god-forbid-it-wait-two-more-seconds
scene, this movie looks like it has about five of those, so it should fill your
quota for the whole summer. It also has Brad Pitt fighting massive waves of
zombies while taking care of his massive waves of hair. Seems pretty
straight-forward, really.
Nerd-o-meter: 7/10
Release: June 21
Despicable
Me 2—Because this.
Definitely feels
like the writers know why people liked the first one—because of those
strung-out yellow guys! They were awesome! Now, they are all over the sequel, and it might actually be worth seeing. At the
very least, if you take a girl to this one, she will be happy. Girls like the
little yellow guys. I promise.
Nerd-o-meter: 5/10
(technically, it is still about supervillains)
Release: July 3
The
Lone Ranger—Oh wow, Johnny Depp covered in paint and doing that weird “Am I
drunk or am I high right now?” schtick again.
Have you noticed that Depp has
been headlining this movie when he is not even the main character? Armie Hammer
is the Lone Ranger, and Depp is his sidekick Tonto, yet, Depp appears to be
taking the lead in the trailers, posters, and the billing order. The style of
this one looks slick, but they seem to be straying far, far away from the
original series (which might be good, because it was . . . well, racist) in
terms of the dynamics between the Ranger and Tonto. Armie is being shafted
though.
Nerd-o-meter: 6/10
Release: July 3
Grown-ups
2: You guys pumped or what?!
Just kidding. No one cares.
Nerd-o-meter:
irrelevant
Release: HA.
Pacific
Rim: Not going to lie, when I saw the trailer I was really pumped because I thought
it was going to be a new Godzilla movie . . . use that knowledge how you will.
Giant robot-mechs vs. giant
aliens/monsters/the Loch Ness monster/Godzilla—that is basically what you have
here, with a little bit of Idris Elba for the diversity factor and some Charlie
Day for comic relief. Remember when Battleship
released, and people thought, “Wow that looks terrible, they had to use
Rihanna? How low can one stoop?” This is essentially the same thing, only they
ran out of aliens to use and robots to use so the writers thought, “Screw it,
if we just make everything bigger, they cannot ding us for that, right?” I
would rather listen to Rihanna than see this movie, and I hate Rihanna. I do
not even think she is hot anymore (fell off the Power Rankings long ago). A
Godzilla movie would have been better, and the title of this one sucks too! Pacific Rim?! I feel like I am turning
on the Discovery Channel—ridiculous.
Nerd-o-meter: 8/10
Release: July 12
Only
God Forgives: Guys, watch this. Or this. This is another option.
I know, that was all the same
link. Just wanted to make sure no one was throwing me the finger and ignoring
my hyperlinks here. I work hard on those. Anyway, that is aside the point, the
point here is: how freaking awesome was
that?! Ryan Gosling being a BAMF, some guy being stabbed with chopsticks, a
one-on-one martial arts fight scene, tuxedos, katanas, and that music. Wow.
Some background:
the director here is the same guy who did 2011’s Drive (my number-five movie of all time, and yeah I have rankings
that I may or may not update weekly, shut up), and this seems to be in that
vein of slick-throwback meets super-violence. Do I think it is the same? No. I
think Gosling is going to be worked more, and I see a lot more expansion in
terms of characterization (the driver, after all, was really more of a symbol
than a fleshed-out character). This could be the cult hit of the year, and if
you go to theaters looking for something different than the usual
popcorn-action, than this is your flick. This is Dazz’s top pick this summer.
Sign me up.
Nerd-o-meter: 3/10
(by no means is it nerdy, just not for everyone)
Release: July 19
The
Wolverine: Basically a filler-flick to carry us until this hunk of awesome hits theaters.
The first Wolverine movie
sucked. It would have been fine, but then they took one of the best superheroes
ever (Deadpool), ruined his backstory, took away his ability to talk (one of
the highlights of the Deadpool comics was his constant chatter with the
reader), and then *spoiler* just up
and killed him off. I wanted more Ryan Reynolds cutting bullets in half, but
no—Hugh Jackman wanted the franchise for himself. If you have seen the trailer
for this one, then you know zero additional knowledge. It told you nothing. I can be excited over
Wolverine, but so far this marketing has been crap. Cross your fingers, folks.
Nerd-o-meter: 9/10
Release: July 26
300:
Rise of an Empire: You know when you start writing, and at first you are really
going strong, and then you just sort of hit that wall? Just hit it. Man oh man,
this is a long one. Two-parters are ill-advised, friends.
The first one was badass with a
lot of badass people doing a lot of badass things and occasionally there would
be this touch of random nudity like, “Oh, hey, I do not think we have done
enough to earn us an R-rating yet, so here is a nipple” or something.
I cannot do this
right now. That high I had from Only God
Forgives has worn off considerably. Let me take five.
Nerd-o-meter: 7/10
(it’s a lot of fighting and babe-ness, what more do you want, dude?)
Release: August 2
Elysium:
Guys! Matt Damon is bald! Look!
Ok, so recover from that for a
second, but check it out. Earth sucks and is now essentially a slum for the
world’s poor and disadvantaged, and above is some space-station where all of the
rich live. They have everything up there from total peace to a cure for cancer.
Basically Matt Damon is going to shoot some stuff and reunite Earth and bring
to the poor what is now only reserved for the rich. It is by the guy who did District 9, and oh man it looks sick. It
is totally one of those more intelligent sci-fi flicks, but it looks pretty
dope-on-a-rope (is that a thing? Nope, not even a little bit).
Nerd-o-meter: 9/10 (once
you see the trailer you have a better sense of what we are dealing with here,
but man it looks awesome!)
Release: August 9
Kick-ass
2: It has a villain called the Mother F***er—just a prelude to this bit.
The first Kick-ass
was pretty solid. It was really stylized and gloriously irreverent and Nicholas
Cage *spoiler alert* was lit on fire—a
lot was going for it. This one is a direct sequel, complete with Jim Carrey as
Captain Stars and Stripes. Personally, this one is about Chloe Grace Moretz—back
as Hit Girl—and how she will probably keep being responsible for the most brutal
kills of the movie. This one seems bound to follow the first one as a cult hit,
and seeing as how at this point your only way into this franchise is through
the comic books, the original movie, or the entire Nic Cage anthology, it is
going to be an absolute nerd-fest.
Nerd-o-meter: 9/10
Release: August 16
The
World’s End: The apocalypse but British.
Remember how awesome Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz were? The correct answer was
that, oh yeah, those were really darn awesome. Or, if you want to quote the
latter, they were “F***ing off the chain!” The
World’s End is the final flick in the Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy
written by lead actors Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright, and man, if the first two
are any indication, it is going to be a rousing good time. About a group of
friends who attempt to do a pub crawl during the apocalypse—sounds like
something blog-worthy. Check and mate.
Nerd-o-meter: 5/10
(obscure, but awesome—see the other ones if you have a chance)
Release: August 23
Wow, what a time
since Summer of Nerd back in 2011—look
at that lineup! This is one of the nerdiest summers ever, and darn it if the
movie-lover in me is not on pins and needles in anticipation. Great
books-to-movies, comics-to-movies, franchise-enders and franchise-starters.
This is going to be one to remember, so have that inner nerd of yours hitch up
their pants, slap on the sunscreen, and push up their glasses—they are going to
want to head on out to see these.
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