College Facebook Pages: The Hall of Fame of Student Posts

   I will tell you right now: this is one of those articles I wrote just because I personally needed to write it. Like the Call of Duty article a while back (check it out in the archives), I had some things that I really wanted to say, but I could not say them. It was not the correct venue. But now, we are back on my turf, and I can do whatever I want. You ever see something online and think, “Gosh, I wish I could respond to that without being a jerk,” and then you see that someone did not give a hoot and sounded like a jerk anyway? Today, I am that guy. I do not give a hoot. Not even a little one.

   All of the following posts have appeared on college class pages that I was lucky enough to be invited into by some close contacts for the sole purpose of writing this article. I will not (directly) name the schools in question, but if you look at this more closely than you have to (or just read to the end), you might be able to figure it out. The posts appear in bold below, and my personal responses are italicized directly beneath. Simple candidness is the name of the game here, so let’s look at some of the best posts I have come across through my investigations.

   It is my hope that this can be used as a tool for everyone to know what is really out there. This is the world. This is real. This is the very best of the collective class of 2016.

Hellooooo [a certain Honors College in Arizona]! I'd just like to put my name down here for the roommate hunt as well -- right now I'm majoring in biological sciences, but I have tons of interests, so I wouldn't mind rooming with someone of any major as long as we get along allright. =) For the most part, I'm usually pretty open and laid back. I enjoy making music (guitar/singing especially), trying new things, having (slightly nerdy and perhaps philosophical) conversations about the world and other things of that nature, and having a ferocious amount of fun doing it. Talk to me if you're interested! Have a great day. =D

   Seeing as this post alone completely drained me from all desire to talk to anyone or anything, no thank you. I feel like if I met you I would want to punch your face.
   I think this is going well so far, don’t you guys?

any train fans on here? they're playing in [the capital of a certain Southwestern state] at the comerica theater september 20 and i will for sure be buying pit tickets for it. anyone else in?

    You must be such a huge fan to be buying pit tickets. Must be pretty wild at those Train concerts.

im secretly steve jobs. im alive

    Highly unlikely.

anyone from nebraska?

    Nope, sorry. You seem to be forgetting that you are the only person who lives in freaking Nebraska. Maybe someone out there looked at Nebraska as they flew over. Maybe they thought, “God, it would sure suck to live in Nebraska.”

This school should come with an alcohol plan instead of a meal plan..just throwing that out there

    Funny. Did you know that you can just make your own alcohol plan? Just saying.

Everyone ADD ME AS A FRIEND!

    No.

alright so im lookin for a study buddy for every saturday night. any takers?

    I can’t tell if this is sarcastic or not.

Representing Long Island New York. In need of a roommate who will be a good wingman when we go out, will spot me in the gym, and who can just kick it & won't get annoying. Message your boy!

    After all, there is no way you can pick up chicks, work out, and kick it without your un-annoying brodies. Impossible on your own. Impossible.

call me 2484918838

    If someone calls him and reports back to me with his three favorite movies, that individual will win a prize. A good prize. To prove it, you have to get the mystery person to post to the A2D page. I would say that I hope it is not a fake number, but I really hope it is a fake number.

I kinda wanna find a roommate, I'm white people's favorite black guy and I wear boat shoes, so if you're gonna be staying at Taylor Place Message Me.

    Question: what qualities make up the “white people’s favorite black guy?” Why qualities does he have to be saying that? Is he not the favorite black guy of Afric—You know what? It really is not that important. The guy is weird, we can agree on that . . . but maybe he just happens to like a lot of “white” things. Like Coldplay or gourmet cupcakes or herbal tea. Sorry, too far again.

   The boat shoes could explain a lot too, I guess.
   Sorry.

Hey everyone, at about the beginning of 2nd semester I'm gonna start up a band, sort of a hip-hop blues type deal. If you play any instruments, or can rap, hit me up.

    A hip-hop bluesy rap group. Ok. Here are some name ideas:

1.       We confuse ourselves?

2.       That Group With the Hood-Sounding Sound

3.       The Razzle-Dazzle Smoothie Rhyme Blue-plate Special

4.       Street Catz

5.       X-Preshin

    One question: why is he waiting until second semester?

Which one of you nerds aren't lame and wanna be my roomate at the downtown campus taylor place tower two?

    I do! Wait . . . tower two. Two towers. Lord of the Rings. Agh, couldn’t make the cut!

this placement test is currently raping me.

    Ok, first of all, watch the language.

    Second of all, highly unlikely.
    Third of all, classy.

Where you’re from—Santa Cruz CA

Hobbies & likes—partying, trying new things, chillen with friends, shopping, boys, sports, listening to music, community service, cooking

Dislikes—fakeness and drama

Turn On’s—smile, honesty, passion, confidence, talkative, fun :)

Turn Off’s—superficial, materialistic, self-absorbed, judgemental

One thing we should know about you—i’m a fun-loving, easy going, spontaneous, always up for adventure, im a combo of a girly girl and an outdoorsy girl, I love meeting new people

One thing you’re embarrassed of—my blonde moments

Dream Goal—To open my own bakery

   Let’s break this girl down.

1.       Is into both “partying” and “community service” while a turn-on is “honesty.” Hmmm . . .

2.       A turn-off is “self-absorbed” and yet this is the longest post in the entire article.

3.       A turn-on is “smile,” and as 99.99% of the entire human race has the ability to smile, this bodes well for just about everybody.

4.       The “one thing we should know about you” turned into “I forgot what the criteria was for this point because I’m too excited to tell everyone about how awesome I am.”

5.       You know she really is fun because she throws a smiley right after. The good times are already rolling.

6.       Embarrassed of her blonde mo—can you picture this girl in your head by now?

7.       Wants to open a bakery, and yet her hobbies include “cooking,” not “baking.” Please explain.

8.      Do “boys” fall under hobbies or likes? Because the answer to that question could change pretty much everything.

Hello. My mom said I should go on here to talk about myself and meet some people here. But I don't even want to go here. I have never partied, and I'm only coming here for a semester before I go off to Harvard (I got waitlisted). But other than that, I don't know. [A certain Southwestern state] seems really hot, and the dry climate seems bad for my skin. Ugh.

   Right off the bat, I love the attitude. I love the rawness of it (I have never partied—classic line). I love the brutal dismissal in favor of Harvard that may or may not be true (and if it is true, he may not even be accepted after all). I love the apathy. I love the self-reassurance that he must receive by highlighting his skin issues. I love the final noise of disgust.

   Ladies and gentleman, this is what college pages are all about. Solid freaking gold.

hello all! i was recently accepted with a 1.9 and 1030 on the sat! im so stoked to come to [a certain university in the southwest]!!! go [mascot that heavily pertains to the region in question, as it involves a certain solar body that gives off heat . . . this is getting ridiculous, the kid is from ASU, there, I said it, whaddup hater?]!!!! I am worried i will get rescinded cuz i have 1.1 this senior year! whAt should i doo? btw i repeated junior year. it was too hard :(

   . . . this is pretty funny all by itself, actually.