I think
going into the show, I expected it to be something like wannabe-Eminem meets
Vanilla Ice. So pretty much the equivalent of the crowd being pooped on. That
is what I expected. Poop.
Maybe
it is because my expectations were so low, but I ended up thinking a little differently
after the show. We are going to break this down piece-by-piece, point-by-point.
What worked, and what did not work. By the end, we hopefully will have the real
Chet Haze.
1. Style
To someone who is new to
the rap game (Is that even appropriate for me to say? Rap game? That just looks
wrong, sitting there like a couple of poser-words. Who am I to say rap game?
Ugh, we’re leaving it anyway), I think I pretty much found what I was
expecting. Jeans, Kinetik shirt, chain necklace, and classic briefs (Is it
weird for a guy to critique another guy’s underwear? . . . Nah). Simple, sure,
but I feel like Chet Haze would rather we focus on his beats and rhymes than
anything else, so it was not a big deal, and perhaps a relief, that he did not
come out in huge shades or NYC cap. Thank God.
Mr. Haze scores a 5/10. It would be a six,
but honestly it would have been a huge kick if he was the spitting image of his
father (Tom Hanks, to everyone who was unfortunate enough to not pick up on
that), so I missed that. Admit it, you wondered it too the first time you saw
him.
2. Lyrics
Standard club-style.
Most of his tracks followed the same story of “Hey, you’re hot, so let me take
you home, and after we intoxicate ourselves, I’ll show you a good time.” Nothing
really profound coming from Chet Haze, but at the end of the day, it is all
good. After all, what is he supposed to talk about up there? His tough,
inner-city upbringing? His life on the streets? The time he capped some fool?
No. Mr. Haze just wants to tell us about his good times. That is cool. I feel
that (another crowd of poser-words right there). He does not need to be
profound, he does not need to be raw and real, he just needs to be fun. Mission
accomplished, Mr. Haze (spawn idea #1: spin-off web series in which Chet Haze
becomes Agent Haze and beats the shit out of terrorists or something. I’d
watch. You’d watch. It’s an instant smash).
7/10.
3. Entourage
Everyone needs their
bros or bro-ettes (coined that on the spot) to back them up when they are doing
a live show. I guess that is just a rule. Maybe it is a security thing, in case
he needs to be hustled off the stage and away from some crazed female fan.
Maybe it is a status thing. Whatever. I liked the Kinetik entourage. The DJ (Mena
Abebe) let him have his spotlight, and whoever the dude was in the white tee
and the Redwings cap gave him a nice intro (I guess it is also a rule that at
least one person in an entourage has to sport something Detroit-affiliated—it provides
legitimacy). They were a good support group to the main event, and they deserve
props.
8/10—my one gripe with Kinetik is that they
need a slogan. Spawn idea #2: a contest, put on by Kinetik to create this
tagline. It is chosen by their fans, and the winner would receive a boatload of
Kinetik swag—they already have all of those shirts and hats, why not have a
giveaway? It would promote Chet Haze, it would promote the company, someone
would get a bunch of free stuff, and if the apparel was re-released with the
new slogan, more people might be interested in buying the product. Win win win
win.
4. The Crowd
I wanted to distinguish this from the final
section, because I think it is important to gauge the crowd as a standalone
thing. I think that the cool thing about a Chet Haze concert (Is concert the
right word? I’ll give it to him.) is that no matter what people think about his
music, they support him anyway. People sang along to the songs they knew,
especially “Hollywood”, which is a total fan-favorite, and Haze’s personal tribute
to Northwestern, “White and Purple”. People were enthusiastic for his new
tunes, and respectful of his old tunes. It was hilarious to see a confined fan
base like this manage to be enthusiastic all the same. Chet Haze had to feel us
for us to feel him, and I think he did that.
Guys, we get a 9/10.
5.
The Overall Performance
Here is what sold me on Chet Haze: he does
not have the smartest lyrics, he does not have the most talent in the world, and
he does not perform in the biggest venues, but goddammit if he does not make it
a fun show. He is totally devoted to putting on a performance for NU. He gets the crowd waving,
he holds the girls’ hands (No joke, on the way back from the show, a pack of
girls on the stairs asked me if I saw him just so they could tell me that they
all touched him. They were gushing. They were all out of breath too, which was
weird, but I guess that’s a side effect of making contact with Chet Haze), he
has us sing along, he welcomes the freshman (Whataguy), he had the whole “Go U!
NU!” going, he busted out an encore presentation and let loose with all of the
fan-favorites, and he even had us give him the claw. He was fully invested in
making sure everyone was having fun, and I think that is just about all we can
ask from the guy.
The concencus after the show was this: not
the greatest music, but definitely entertaining, and if I were being honest, I
have to agree. I said before that I expected him to be wannabe-Eminem meets
Vanilla Ice. He (thankfully) missed that mark. Now, I see him more as a Mike
Posner (singing/rapping combo) meets Jason Derulo (for the way he says his own
name before his songs) meets Vanilla Ice (after his hit but before he started
trying too hard). There. That seems accurate.
At the end of it all though, Chet Haze is
there for the crowd, and that is what we want from the guy. As a performer, he
is a 9/10. That’s the real Chet Haze (plus, the dude’s pretty strong-looking,
so a lower score might induce him to beat me up or something, does that happen
in college?).
Post-article spawn idea #3: a campaign to
push for Chet Haze to appear onstage with Nas. One song, one showing. That is
all.
Oh my Lord you're hilarious. I L.O.L.ed
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