If you go way back with this
blog, you might remember that the first post I ever wrote was in honor of what
I called ‘Summer of Nerd 2011’. It looked at the headlining movies of the
summer in all of their superhero-making and robot-fighting and over-the-top-explosion-fest
greatness. Each movie had a quick blurb and a ranking on the Nerd-o-meter
(patent pending). It is an According to Dazz classic, if I say so myself, and
for this summer, which probably features the
most nerd-gasmic lineup of flicks in recent memory, I decided to pull a
throwback move and dip into the greatest hits collection. So I present to you
the shiny new edition of Dazz’s Nerdfest Handbook 2013 (In two parts, but that sounds bad and I did not want to put it in the title because I thought people would whine about it, ok?).
Make sure your
glasses are taped on tight and your pens are ready to take notes—this is going
to be a good one, friends.
Ironman
3: I know Northwestern has another month and a half of classes when it comes
out, but can I just have a dream, here? Sheesh.
Weird thing I
noticed—Ironman 3 is a parallel to
Robert Downey Jr.’s career path. Ironman starts out strong with all the fame
and glory and drugs and heroism and women-folk, then he goes a little
too hard, gets a little too coke-y . . . sorry, that’s cocky, loses everything, and goes on a path of redemption to reclaim everything he
loves. Bam. Send that to Cracked.com, fools. This will be another fun ride
though, and with luck, the more serious tone will give Downey some chances to
use his acting chops. What a way to start the summer.
Nerd-o-meter: 8/10
Release: May 3
The
Great Gatsby: Inspiring a new generation of read—oh come on, who are we
kidding?
When I
heard of this coming out last year, my first thought was that Leo should be
Gatsby—and oh man, did they ever deliver. What you have to understand though,
is that the rest of the cast is highly underrated. Carey Mulligan has always
been high on my Celebrity Crush Power Rankings (yeah, in caps, and this is
still going to be an article sometime soon, I just have to figure out how to
not sound like a freaking pervert when I write it . . . not that I have tried and
failed, in that respect . . . this parenthetical needs to end), and Tobey
Maguire is a solid Nick. After all, he is not the hero, he is just there to
tell you what is going on, and I do not want anything else out of my Tobey
Maguire. This one has serious potential—it might finally be the Gatsby movie we
are looking for.
Nerd-o-meter: 6/10
(unless you are into the whole book thing—then it is bumped up to a seven)
Release: May 10
Star
Trek Into Darkness: Wait—is that like ‘Star Trek [pause], Into Darkness?’, or
like a Star Trek straight-up into the darkness?
I did not see the first one.
There, ok? I said it. The posters look
pretty badass though, and my good pal J.J. Abrams (I would have used Jay Jay,
but he asked that I keep things professional on the blog—cool with me) has
rarely steered us wrong. The Trekies should be excited though—the first one had
great reception, and this one looks even more epic and explosion-y than the
first reboot (and yeah, I am in a small phase where I add ‘y’ to things to make
my own adjectives—sue me).
Nerd-o-meter: 9/10
Release: May 15
Fast
and the Furious 6: You can tell they ran out of different ways to say ‘Fast and
Furious’ so they just pulled a DGAF Friday and slapped the number up there.
First two were pretty good,
Tokyo drift was okay but it had the quarterback from the Friday Night Lights movie in it so thirteen-year-old Tyler was
excited, the fourth one was crappy and I hear Fast Five was alright but I did not care enough to see it.
Basically, when you run out of crazy vehicles to use and you start throwing
around tanks, you should realize you have hit a wall in the writing department
and it might be time to hang up a franchise, no matter how much money it makes
or how many professional wrestlers you can wedge into the cast. Sorry Vinny
Diesel, but if you ask Dazz, it is time to move on. You peaked early with this
one.
Nerd-o-meter: 5/10
(just because some people might just be there to see if the Rock is going to
throw in a “People’s Elbow” in there, because at the sixth movie you can really
expect anything, right?)
Release: May 24
The
Hangover: Part III: Goddammit they made me use a double-colon. Gah look at how
bad that looks. I am so embarrassed.
The first movie was some
quality comedy—it had the right mix of shock humor and quotable lines and one
memorable character. The second movie was the same movie as the first one, but
without any of the quotable lines (BAM—pop quiz: quote a line from Hangover: Part II, you cannot do it, can
you? See, told you) and an absolute butchering of Zachy G’s character—he went
from loveably aloof to straight-up idiotic, and now we have to deal with a
whole ‘nother movie of his “Wait—so I should drive the expensive speedboat onto
land without stopping? Seems like something an overused cash-out character would
do” shenanigans. No thank you. At least it has Señor Chang in it.
Nerd-o-meter: 4/10
(I couldn’t even make a grammatically-correct heading—could this be any lamer?)
Release: May 24
After
Earth: Pursuit of Happyness 2—now they really
are homeless . . . was that bad taste? That was bad taste.
How do you tell a M. Night
Shyamalan flick? Plot twist! How do you tell a super-crazy ultra-meta Shyamalan
movie? There is a plot twist in the trailer.
Now, I love me some Will and Jaylen Smith, but man if their combined talent is
wasted on some
oh-by-the-way-this-village-is-in-modern-day-and-there-has-inexplicably-been-no-planes-or-helicoptors-flying-overhead-for-the-last-20-years-esque-piece-of-garbage
movie . . . I will be a little upset. Man, can you believe that The Sixth Sense came out fourteen years
ago? Yeesh! And by the way, is there any confirmation that his middle name is
actually Night? Is that a joke? Sorry, I am venting. Let me breathe. Ok, done.
Nerd-o-meter: 7/10
(it is a sci-fi after all, but it has more points if you are into stupid
half-assed endings—sorry, I said I was done. For real now)
Release: June 7
This is
the End: Ok, everyone be cool, but we have our first Emma Watson sighting.
Let’s appreciate her for a second . . . wow. Currently at the
top of the Celebrity Crush Power Rankings.
Indeed, Miss Watson does indeed
have a cameo in this comedy, along with pretty much every other actor you can
think of—check
out the trailer, pretty awesome, right? The one thing that worries
me about this is that aside from all the guests, the main crowd of this one is
pretty much the run-of-the-mill white comedy cast, except oh wait, we need a
black guy? Let’s call Craig Robinson. Good to see James Franco in his natural
habitat though—blazing it up, I mean.
Nerd-o-meter: 8/10
(guys, Emma Watson)
Release: June 12
Man of
Steel: It makes every nerd a man of steel, if you know what I mean . . . yeah,
someone’s going to send me a letter.
I am calling it
right now. This is 2013’s Inception, Dark
Knight, what have you. All the pieces are in place. We have great writing,
great casting, great action-oriented directing, Chris Nolan onboard too . . .
this might be the Superman of our dreams, friends. Sure, the Supes is pitted
against General Zod and not Lex, but who cares? If the trailer is any
indication, we are going to have some absolutely exceptional dynamics with
Superman’s foreignness to Earth, and Zod is the perfect villain to play off of
that. We might even have out first really great look at Jor-El (It’s Russell
Crowe!) and the fall of Krypton. This is Clark Kent like we have never seen him
before, and man, I am pumped. Look at this. If it
ends up flopping, at least it wins trailer
of the whole freaking year, right? So dope. Gah.
Nerd-o-meter: 10/10
(seriously, look at all the references up there!)
Release: June 14
The
Bling Ring: Well I know why I’m going,
thank you very much.
Emma Watson as a lead actress
for a solid . . . let’s look at the runtime here . . . 95 minutes. Do you even need anything else for me to sell you on
this one? Ok, fine, jerk—she plays a badass chick who leads a band of other
badass chicks in a plot to rob the homes of celebrities. I will not even
hyperlink to this one, you know why? Because
I know you are googling it right now, fool.
Nerd-o-meter: 5/10
Release: June 14
Monsters
University: Yeah I put it on here. Come at me.
I will admit, I was
really worried initially. I wished (like I still do with Finding Nemo) that they had just let it alone, but after all the
promotions and the trailer and the yearbook photos, I am starting to be sold.
It also has one of my dark-horse Celebrity Crushes in Aubrey Plaza, and someone
who also shares my tendency to break into a high-pitched voice when he gets
excited in Charlie Day (Wow, that is an overshare—did I mention it is 1:00 am
right now? This is my Friday night now. Hello ladies . . . ?). It might not be a
splooge of nerd-ness, but you know you will at least consider going, and I will too. It is either going to be a home run
or a strikeout, and with Disney-Pixar back at it, I am confident in leaning on
the former. Cannot wait for Mike and Sully to be back, friends.
Nerd-o-meter: 6/10
Nostalgia-o-meter: 10/10
Release: June 21
What’s that you say?!
There are more movies?! Never fear—we know! Part II is coming soon, check back
in a few days!
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