Twerking, Purple Pools, and Child Stars: Breaking Down the Miley Cyrus 'We Can't Stop' Video

   I had to.

   For the record, these are legit, minute-by-minute first impressions of this video. I am a Miley Cyrus virgin, if you will, and all of the post-‘Can’t be Tamed’ stuff is new to me (basically ever since she had that ridiculous haircut). However, all of the hype on social media made this out to be like one of the more WTF-ey experiences of my summer, so come on this journey with me, and for best results, watch along with the link below. See, I include that stuff to make it easy on you, because I appreciate you and try to be classy about it, probably unlike what we are about to watch together.

   Best of luck to you all.

0:01—Is that an ankle monitor? Is this Lindsay Lohan? Am I on the right thing? I am already confused.

0:03—Shameless Beats promotion. Wow.

0:09—When Miley first reached into her mouth, I swear to God I thought she was just going to yank her teeth out like a row of dentures. Turned out to be putting in a grill, but I am literally ready for anything.

0:17—After some angry combing of Miley’s hair, we have some gal with smoke coming out of her crotch. You cannot make this stuff up, folks.

0:26—Is that a money sandwich? And who is that guy? Is that one of Miley’s friends? I wonder how she approached him. “Ay yo (because that is how she talks now), I wanchu to be in my video and eat this sandwich with hunnets in it.” And if you are the dude, how do you say no? I feel like I would just try to eat around the money so I could pocket some later.

0:38—After some more advertising for those weird egg-meets-lip-balm things, we have the following sequence: a skull made of French fries, a vintage Miley tongue-shot (man, who thought those words would be put together three years ago, amiright?!), some weird double-mouth girl, a guy who seems to be eating a tongue, and then the French fry skull being smashed. Well this is just sensory overload.

0:43—And there is Hannah Montana’s butt. I think I choked on my own spit a little. But hey, things cannot get much worse than this, right?

0:44—Wrong, Tyler-from-one-second-ago, wrong wrong wrong. Hannah Montana is now spanking the Nicki Minaj-looking gal next to her. Mistakes of the past, friends, mistakes of the past.

0:47—This round of spanking is reciprocated back to Miley. Well I’m not sure what I was expecting . . .

1:08—Ok, let’s ignore the teddy bear dancers for a second (again—wow) and appreciate what is so far my favorite shot of the video. I love the dude in the background right here. Miley trying to take center stage and all for the chorus, but now this guy doing all his little hand signs and that “yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh” nod. Stole the show. Hilarious.

1:14—So Miley’s been on the bed this whole time, writhing around and stretching her gum and trying to be hot, but gosh it is just not working for me. She just has that psycho-vibe now. Totally unfit for our Celebrity Crush Power Rankings, and no amount of twerking will sway me.

And how about that horrible polygonal face doing the deep-computer voice? The budget clearly ran out on them—the Beats must not have covered the poop-electronic voiceovers.

1:25—That dude from seventeen seconds ago is back! And get this—he does the exact same thing in this new shot. Stands there, rocks his hand to the beat twice, and adds nothing to the song. Who is this guy?!

1:26—Gosh, you feel like it would be time for a twerking montage sooner or later.

1:27—Anddddddd boom goes the dynamite.

Guys, Miley Cyrus was just clearly out-twerked in her own video, and it was not even close. The exercise bike spank move and the standalone attempt did nothing to help her case either. Poor showing.

1:49—Someone was high for the last fifteen seconds of this video. “Guys, guys . . . guys, I got somethin’ to say—this idea for the thing . . . we have these goats, right? And—and they’re wearing sunglasses because of the fame and the music and it’s all jus wow, and then—and then there’s a purple pool and a Barbie that kinda looks like Miley but kinda doesn’t and then they kiss and everyone in the pool is like yeeeeeeaaaaahhhh because we fight the system.”

“. . . that could work.”

1:56—Anyone else have an incomplete F*** sign on YouTube? So ironic.

2:02—More crotch-smoke! This is quickly becoming the birth/conception video of the monster from Lost. Totally understand why it went to the island now—explains the whole show.

2:23—I apologize, I totally neglected the actually content of the song. In case it was not obvious, Miley Cyrus and her purple-pool-pals own the night. And are ‘bout that life. As a result, they simply cannot stop shooting smoke out of their crotches and poser-twerking and spanking Nicki Minaj lookalikes. Sounds fair.

2:27—As we cut to the deep-computer voice again for the bridge, we have a lovely shot of some rando-dude rubbing white bread on his face and then eating the face-oil-soaked slice. We have an entire 60 seconds to go.

I am suddenly reminded of the whole Liam Hemsworth thing, and while I am Wikipedia-ing whether they are engaged or married I come across a total gem. Did you know Miley Cyrus was in Big Fish back in 2003? This is pre-Hannah Montana! Wow! In the credits she is listed as Destiny Cyrus. What are the odds she goes back to that name? 10-to-1? 5-to-1?

But anyway, Miley and Liam have to be lurking on that list of couples that you literally do not understand how the hell they are together. I mean, for his birthday one year, she gave him a chocolate penis-cake (sorry innocence, but in these dark times, you have to be blunt), and then she ate the whole thing! That was the gift: her eating it—he did not even get a piece. Absurd.

2:38—Miley breaks a liquor-shaped piñata so a bunch of cigars tumble out, and that same all-star from the background runs up and lights one. It is settled: he was not even supposed to be on set—he was just in it for the quality herbage. Exceptional.

2:44—Dang, guys. You know what this needs? More aggressive, unattractive body-grabbing.

2:46—Thanks Miley!

3:14—Man, this house party is outta control: where’s Billy Ray? But actually, where the hell is Billy Ray Cyrus? That guy has dropped off the face of the earth. A better question though: who cares? I just touché-d myself . . . wow, that looks a lot like ‘touched myself’. Disaster averted. It might be time to wrap up.

3:30—We close with essentially a giant ‘eff you’ to just about everyone. The last fifteen seconds are literally alternating shots of Miley flexing her butt and sticking her tongue out, which means I have pretty much satisfied my life quota for both of these Cyrus-related things.

I wish I had an eyewash station.